What I Want

I want green all around me.

I want to open my window and have a forest to see.

I want children running barefoot on soft and hard grass.

I want clean air,

Clean water.

I miss the rain.

I want rain.

I want us to be able to step out of our little house into the mud,

Painting ourselves brown.

I want to wash us all with water from a hose. I want a childhood for our children, 

put together with the best parts of mine.

I want memories to be built from the simplicity of living every day,

Being present in the present. 

I want to learn how to bake,

How to cook hearty meals.

I want our house to be a home.

The coziness of the love we have to spread all over it,

Shared with those who cross our path. 

I want our home to feel like their home too.

I want to raise children who are kind, honest, and intelligent.

Not the kind of intelligence that is measured by schooling structure 

Intelligence which is measured by their ability to think critically,

To be able to entertain different thoughts, different positions, Without losing track of their values.

To be able to differentiate good from bad, 

Despite popular opinion. 

I want to raise our children like that. I want to be a good mother. 

I want to raise their children like that too. I want to be that kind of teacher. 

In a school where teaching comes first,

Where marketing is only the result of the good citizens we have shaped. 

I'm tired of appearances.

I'm tired of numbers,

Of quantity over quality.

I want to take matters into my own hands.

I want to change the world around me.

I want to lead a life I'm fully proud of.

I want to go to bed and know I've done my best.

I want to go to bed to rest.

I'm suffocating with all of these moral conundrums. 

I work to live but what life am I living if I'm far from the life I wish to have?

I'm suffocating

I'm falling through the cracks.

They keep me going,

As if I was a doll.

I'm not saying school results aren't important 

but decency in people is a better marker of a great education,

and that's needed. They move me around, 

As if I was a doll,

Being placed here and there.

I'm tired of acting like one.

I'm done.

I want to lose the fear of making mistakes.

I want to shift, change, arrange,

and rearrange my life as many times as I need to,

to finally have it feel like my own. Written: 06/02/2024